i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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