The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
