i just made my gag reflex go away.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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