Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
