she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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