When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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