i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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