the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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