I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
