I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
