I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
