Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
