Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
