Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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