I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i drank out of a bidet.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
