so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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