so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
