is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
