I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
