Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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