Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
