My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
