Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
