Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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