I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
