What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
