Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
