dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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