Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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