Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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