Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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