Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So many bounce houses so little time
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
