i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
