My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
