STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
