dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
