I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
