Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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