I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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