I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Operation Purity has been aborted
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
