she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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