why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
