i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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