Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
