You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
