So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
