Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
