I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
