Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
When did angry sex become our thing?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
