Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
